Gay Individualism and Internalized Homophobia

By Dani

Image by Dani

Why do we face hostility when we don't conform to the archetype of the "typical" gay man?

… I am not here to be a carbon copy. My purpose is not to conform to others' notions of authenticity but to truly live my life authentically.

As gay men, we are no strangers to stereotypes and the confines of societal expectations. Often, these assumptions are projected onto us by our heterosexual counterparts. We find ourselves pigeonholed into prescribed behaviors, attitudes, and interests, with others constructing their own narratives about who we are.

Yet, as a young gay man myself, I fervently believe that gay men embody a diverse array of personalities. We are unique individuals with a wide range of preferences, hobbies, opinions, and interests. So, why is there such resistance to our individuality? Why do we face hostility when we don't conform to the archetype of the "typical" gay man?

This tendency to generalize and stereotype can be exasperating. After all, who we love doesn't define our entire being or dictate our personality. It's disheartening to have someone assume they know you without truly understanding who you are.

While some heterosexual individuals still cling to their preconceived notions, they are not the sole contributors to the challenge of expressing individuality for gay men. Within our own community, there are those who pressure, shame, mock, and even bully others for straying from the molds imposed upon them.

 Don't enjoy drag races or drag shows? You must be internally homophobic. Not a fan of Beyoncé? Clearly, you're harboring internal homophobia. Opting out of makeup? Again, the accusation of internal homophobia. The list, unfortunately, goes on and on.

However, I maintain that gay men have the right to appreciate any musical artist, to express themselves with varying degrees of femininity or masculinity, and to dress, speak, and exist as they please, free from prescriptive judgments based on their biologically predetermined sexual orientation.

After all, nobody expects all blue-eyed people to love folk music, do they?

Regrettably, personal preferences and interests aren't the only topics under scrutiny. Even our approach to dating is subject to judgment. As a monogamous gay man, I often find myself ridiculed and ostracized by others in our community because I decline to partake in their "open relationship" dynamics. I've been told that my adherence to heterosexual-style monogamy is rooted in "internalized homophobia," as if genuine love, loyalty, and companionship can only exist within heterosexual unions.

There are gay men who are quick to label you as internally homophobic and insist that you despise yourself simply because you refuse to conform to their prescribed way of life.

These individuals seem to fail to understand that internalized homophobia is not a battle for those who authentically live their truth but rather for those who attempt to mirror a life dictated by stereotypes and then seek to impose this imitation on others.

I am resolute in my determination to resist any attempts to constrain me to stereotypes as a gay man. I do not exist to meet anyone's standards. I am not here to be a carbon copy. My purpose is not to conform to others' notions of authenticity but to truly live my life authentically.

Isn’t getting to do that the point of coming out?

Gay men are just like any other individuals on this planet. We possess distinct personalities. We each have our favorite colors, movies, songs—you name it. We are independent entities and should be granted the freedom to express ourselves without being shackled by stereotypes or subjected to juvenile policing by other gay men, perpetuating recycled misconceptions within our community.

My message to fellow gay men is simple: be yourself.

Be the person you genuinely want to be, not the one you're expected to be. Grant yourself the freedom to truly be YOU!

Embrace the beauty of diversity in personalities. Encourage individuality rather than conformity.

Above all, never allow anyone to confine you.